Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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