I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
