Me too!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
