I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
