I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
