why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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