update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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