1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
