Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
