Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
