EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
