And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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