The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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