Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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