She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
