I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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