just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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