she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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