I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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