So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
