last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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