captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
