Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
