I will die if light touches me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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