Your favorite bartender is back from prision
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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