I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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