Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
