Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
