i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
