Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Did we literally take a cab across the street
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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