me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
