Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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