we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
