i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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