Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he thought i was a dude.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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