i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
