I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
