Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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