tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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