That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
