i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
