The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
