my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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