my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
