this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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