walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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