Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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