Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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