Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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