I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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