just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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